New Video Update: Walking by Faith, Not by Sight

Considering my current physical state, I thought it would be best to give an update via a video.

So here it is! Plain, dry, slow, and as per usual, absurdly long.

{Click here to learn the background details on what I'm talking about in the video}

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...We live by faith, and not by sight." 

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:7

Surgery Today.

Tonight I write an unexpected post. I had my post-op appointment yesterday in Baltimore at Johns-Hopkins and came to the appointment with little expectations. From a long appointment, I've been given the quick opportunity (because of a cancellation) to have another eye muscle surgery tomorrow. Actually seeing as how I'm writing past midnight it would technically be considered today (Thursday).

Allow me to explain what happened:

The movement and abilities of my eyes have changed dramatically each time I've had surgery. And with that comes new difficulties and inabilities. From this most recent surgery, I went from having about 10% single vision to having about 15%, with the rest of it being double vision. I still am unable to drive, look at anything below me, walk very safely, and read, etc. They had slightly improved my upward gaze, while also causing to worsen my downward gaze severely.

I came to this appointment not having much of an expectation for it. My surgeon (Dr. Guyton) is the best in the world in this field and so kind. It takes months to get an appointment with him and sometimes even longer to get a surgery scheduled.  But in scheduling for my three surgeries with him, two of them were scheduled within a week of my appointment because of cancellations that came hours before my appointment.  Other doctors come from around the world to shadow and learn from him. So while four extra people were staring into my eyes and examining them yesterday, my mom and I were separately praying that God would grant Dr. Guyton a great deal of understanding, clarity and wisdom of what to do about this. God provided exactly that.  After much consideration and discussion, Dr. Guyton feels that it is in my best interest to have two separate surgeries because if you do too many procedures to the eye at one time it can affect the blood supply and cause blindness. So in an effort of caution, he will do two surgeries, with a possible third. This first surgery will happen tomorrow (Thursday March 22nd) and the second will happen in 6-8 weeks. So we are now staying here until Saturday and then flying back to Dallas.

While life has been really different this semester (I've taken a leave of absence for this semester from working on my Master's degree at Dallas Theological Seminary), I most certainly wasn't expecting this. And while the option of having surgery so soon took my breath away, I couldn't think of any reason why not to. With anything this life changing, it brings a sense of anxiety or wonder. But I just keep thinking, "Let's just do this". I really have a calmness and a peace in my spirit about it all.  I figured that God knows exactly what He's doing, just like the last 4 surgeries.  No matter what the outcome, my prayer is that His will be done because I know that is the best place I can be, in the center of His will for my life. Thank you so much to everyone who has been so kind to pray over me and what God's doing. I appreciate that more than anything else.

My brain has officially stopped working so I hope this is enough of an update. As soon as I can see well enough, I will post something again for sure. I'm not exactly sure what everything will look like after tomorrow, but I have no reason to worry. I have a God who loves me and is far bigger than any difficult situation.

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure"

-Psalm 16:8-9 

Two month update

 

{via}

I know I say this every time, but I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. I've been really bothered by this tendency because I really wanted to give updates about the surgery, and just blog for the fun of it. Most of the time, I like to blog at night (not sure why), but I've noticed that every day I forget and by the time its time to go to bed, I am completely exhausted and just can't muster the energy to do so.

Another small part of me keeps having the thought that "Well, you don't have anything worth saying so why bother". There's no truth behind that or reason to believe it. It's more than just writing out my thoughts or heart. It's not so that people will read or care about what I have to say, but simply to let out those things that so very much entangle my mind. Also to just do something I enjoy! And if people want to read it and enjoy it, so be it!

It's silly really.

So here's a rough update of the last couple of months. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Not necessarily concerning me, but just throughout life and everyone I'm surrounded by. My surgery went well as they had expected. And the recovery/healing period is always obnoxiously slow. I haven't been able to do much. The first month I did A LOT of sitting. And simultaneously developed more of a backside. Something of which I am currently working on to be rid of :) AND lots of my extended family were able to come into town and it was so special to spend time with all of them.

The second month I kept going back and forth from the parent's house to my apartment, living out of a suitcase and I'm finally getting settled back in, ready to put the suitcase away! While my oldest sister and bro-in-law and nieces and nephew have been gone FAR TOO LONG at Spring training, my other older sister and my new, tiny nephew have been able to come up from Austin for a visit a couple of times. So its been a pure delight to hang with them and look at their faces. My parents have been absolutely, positively unbelievably supportive and are worthy of a post all on their own. There is no denial that I couldn't do this without them. I could, but I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Although having them drive me practically everywhere makes me feel like a middle-schooler all over again, they do so with such willingness. Never once have they made me feel like an inconvenience, of which I know that I am to some natural extent.

Overall, these past two months (two months exactly), have been a journey of learning a lot of life lessons. So many that I won't even go into tonight. God's been showing me a lot I didn't know about myself. And a lot about being in relation with others. And how to be thankful. And more so than anything, to be patient. There's a lot on my mind. And there's a lot I don't understand right now either. But like I said a few months ago, I'm trying to take life one step at a time.

Somehow I'd like to share with you more in depth on how my surgery went and how exactly it has changed and what "It went well" really means.

Tomorrow, in fact, my mom and I will be going back up to Baltimore for my post-op appointment to re-examine everything. I'm not sure what I'm thinking, but I do know that I'm just trusting that God really must have this in His control, and I'm not really concerning myself with much more tonight. Just resting my weariness and my heart at His feet and being reminded tonight by my best friend what it means to really surrender everything to the Lord. And that's exactly and all that I want to do at this point.

I'll be sure to give some type of update in the near future, and more of an update on life in general.

PS- I've got looooads of tutorials bursting at the seams to share soon...

Prayers needed tonight.

I promise to give an update of my surgery in my next post which will be soon, but before I do, I would like to request a prayer from all of you please.

I've been seeing a giant prayer request about a family all over my facebook the past few days. They had delivered a set of twins far too early. One of the boys went to be with Jesus soon after being delivered and the other is fighting like a warrior to survive and having a great deal of problems. I know there have been an unbelievable amount of you praying for me the past months and this sweet little man is need for yours immediately. I feel rather compelled tonight to share this with you and I don't normally do this unless I feel strongly to do so. And tonight, I do.

The full story of this family's current struggle can be found here and I am sure there are many different things to be praying for them:

bryanandrobynadams.blogspot.com

Here is an update from the daddy about Asher:
   

     "We almost lost Asher tonight. At 2:30am two nurses rushed into our room a woke us up and told us that the NICU had called and said that if we wanted to see our precious Asher before he passed that we needed to go now. We got Robyn into a wheel chair and rushed down to the NICU where everyone in the unit was working on Asher trying to save his life. 

They had ti give him surfactant tonight for lung development and it created a small tear in his lung due to how delicate they are. Air was building in his chest because of the tear in his lung causing his heart rate to drop. It was a crazy few minutes as they rushed to save him and they were able to put a needle into his chest and aspirate the air off until a NICU doctor could put in a line that could drain the air better. After they had the line in his chest his heart rate went and all of his vital signs returned to normal. As you can imagine, it was another scary moment in what seems to be a never ending nightmare. However, it was another example of how we have no control over anything and we had to again just beg God for Him to save our little boy. After losing Titus I can't imagine losing Asher, but we know that God has his days numbered just as He does for all of us and that His plan is perfect no matter what! As we prayed over Asher as the doctors rushed to save his life, we continued to pray the verse that led us to his middle name of Mark. In Mark 9:24 it says "I do believe. Help me with my unbelief." This verse has comforted us throughout our fertility struggles and it was powerful tonight as we feared we would lose another son. We prayed that we do believe God's plan, but that he would help us with our unbelief at the same time so that we could trust Him more in all things...including with His plan for our family!Please pray In Jesus' Name specifically that:1. That Asher's lung would heal and that they could remove the aspirator tube in his chest. 2. That this did not cause any trama to his brain and that he doesn't develop a "brain bleed". This has been explained to us as a major risk for micro-premies and is the equivalent of a stroke for adults. 3. That he would not develop any infections. 4. That God would save him and make him into a mighty warrior for His kingdom!5. That God would help us believe more deeply in Him and that we would trust Him more with our family and our lives. And, that He would help us with our unbelief in the times of fear like we've continued to have throughout this process. Thank you all for being faithful prayer warriors with us! We pray that the Lord takes you deeper in His relationship with you as you pray with us in this struggle!" -Bryan Adams

It's truly amazing to hear just words come from a man struggling in so many heartbreaking ways. I've never heard people speak in quite a manner as this when faced with one of the most painful parts of life I would wish upon no one. It is such an encouragement to me and really makes me evaluate what my trust in God really looks like in all parts of my life. Please please please join me in prayer for this little baby and his parents. They need it right this minute and it is the best thing any one of us could do for them and their hearts. 

Thank you for always reading my posts and joining me in such a request. My hope is in God who loves us more than we can fathom. I'm just so thankful tonight that He who knows and understand the things of life far more than we ever could has everything in His hands and in His control. I believe that.

Settled.

This week has been a slow one. I finally sit now, in a dark hotel room, both of my unbelievably wonderful parents asleep, and me taking one last moment to rustle through my thoughts and heart before tomorrow.

Tomorrow (okay, technically today), I'm having my fourth surgery on my eye and it cannot come quickly enough. The past six months have been unbelievably challenging in every possible way (meaning physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). And the last couple of weeks have very much left me, in a way, unsettled in heart and mind. The closer I got to packing my bag, the closer the reality of it all came welling up inside of me. While having my moments, I knew it would be okay. I've just been ready for it to be here.

Last night I went to my parent's house to spend the night and leave for the airport the next morning. The 24 hours before getting to that safe place we call home, I was quite unsettled. I was just begging for some peace while trying my best, even sometimes audibly, to remind myself and proclaim the truths about being a daughter of the King. When I got to the house and got out of my car, I was completely caught in an upward gaze. I felt so compelled to just stop and look at the beauty that rested above me. The night sky had this filtered/muted blue tone and was so full of bright stars and whispy clouds it was unbelievable. It was truly majestic.

I stood for just a moment and was reminded slowly but fully of one truth that is ever so foundational. God created the unfathomable mass of celestial creation as well as the rest of existence. He himself set those creations in place and has His mighty hand grasping full control over all of it (Job 38). And then I thought, that same Mighty hand has a full grasp and control over this body of mine (Psalm 139:10). Wow.


So with that came a peace that stilled my soul because of a perfect love from my Creator that cast out all of my fear  (1 John 4:18). And I could not be more thankful. Because of Christ, I have life. And because of Him, I can do nothing less than give Him my whole life (words reminded to by my sweet friend Mer).


So at this point, while always praying for healing, above all else, I am praying that His will be done. That no matter what happens, His will be done. Because I am always reminded and know that the best place I can be is in the center of His will. God knows what's best for me and loves me in a way far more than I will ever be able to grasp. This life is not about me and I'm thankful to simply have it. To have eyes that see and breath to breath.


I'm taking this one step at a time and literally one day at a time because frankly, I have not thought past Wednesday. I cannot take another moment without sharing with you a video that completely penetrated my heart a few months ago. Please take a few moments to watch this. It's a piece of a sermon by Louie Giglio explaining the phenomenal way nature sings praises in worship to our God (Psalm 148). And it will rock your world...in a good way.

Praise Him!

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"

Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You, for tI am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well."

Psalm 139:7-14

hearing herself for the first time

Today, I want to share a video with. I love coming across things that are so extraordinary and inspirational and completely melt my heart.

Sometimes we all need to see things like this...

I'll leave the video to speak for itself:

Oh, and here is her blog...SO worth the time to check out! (In the world, but not of the world)

One Wintery Wednesday Afternoon

For me, I'm starting the year off with a lot of potentials. I want to let everyone who has been so kind to keep me in their prayers and for those who have graciously watched my SUPER long video, that I have decided to have the surgery. I'll be having it on January 18th by the same doctor I was blessed with last year.

As I write this, I'm getting sick to my stomach realizing how much I haven't let myself really think about it. It's coming up rather quickly and I'd like it to slow down...

My heart is pounding...

And somehow I have the reaction to think it's better if I just think about it in little pieces or not at all. For the sake of my heart? For my well-being? No. That's not good. And definitely not helpful in the long run.

This is a serious surgery with very serious potentials. To put it simply, the worst outcome from this would be an inverted eye. Meaning that I would be cross-eyed. Perminently. And it would hurt. And I would only be seeing double. Then they would bring me back up there to have another surgery to fix that if it did happen. I understand that there is just as much of a chance, if not more, that nothing but good things would result. 

But I am human. And I am, frankly, scared out of my mind.

I have no idea what will come of this and the negative possibilites just shake me to my core, becuase I cannot imagine my vision being any worse, yet I know there's the possibility of it and I DO NOT want to know what that looks like.

At this point, there are days when I would find more relief if I could just scratch my eyes out. And sometimes I want to. But I don't. Then I have the thought of "Oh no, if I want to do that now, what am I going to feel if it gets worse. Again." Since I can barely handle my reality, I just can't handle the thought.

However...

---------------------------------------------

One wintery Wednesday afternoon I sat on a bench with my best friend. We overlooked this beautiful view of a lake amidst a hilly neighborhood. We drank our sonic drinks and talked. We talked over all kinds of life things. So much is happening in both of our lives right now, it's unbelievable. 

I've known this gal for over half of my life and have been exceptionally close to her for most of it. She has walked by my side through so many countless difficult moments of life, which is probably what makes us so bonded. God made her the complete opposite of me. And one of the best things about that is she makes me think in a different way than I never would be able to myself. We talked about how I was going to think about this surgery and experience. And I told her about how I hadn't really been letting myself, but praying that my heart would open up to it.

It was one of the best, most gentle, most calm, most needed talks I have had in a very long time. It was like God used my sweet, sweet friend to speak to me in such a gentle manner. She was used in a way that made me search my own heart, gain more of an understanding of my perspective, and reign in all of the one million thoughts I've had. God spoke through her in a way that helped me better understand the way I should trust in Him, and how I should go forward in each little step, no matter how small. He spoke through my sweet friend by reminding me of hope. Hope is something I feel like I loose sight of somedays in the midst of all the visual chaos. More so than anything, she showed me how to truly care for someone else. Because in the midst of an unbelievably painful and long physically ill journey she has been on, she sits with me, in the cold, and loves on me in every possible way. She's always there. What a blessing. But also, what a blessing that afternoon was for God to completely meet me right where I was in life, and speak through someone I care for so deeply.

Although I talk about some very difficult experiences and thoughts that I struggle with during these last few months, I don't want it to seem as though I don't have hope or trust in the Lord. My life and my trust is foundationally set in Him, in my Creator, and nothing will shake that. I know with full confidence that He has control over this life of mine, but in the midst of the darkness, I fall hard to my knees. And I've come to realize that really, there isn't a better place to be.

This post is somehwhat arbitrary in thought and I hope you can bare with me. There is so much going through my mind and I want to be as bold and transparent as possible. I want to leave you with a piece of God's word that's just been sitting with me over the past week:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness. 

 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; 

therefore I will wait for him.” 

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, 

to the one who seeks him"

- Lamentations 3:23-25

What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

Hello beautiful!

Today is the last day of 2011. Obviously. But instead of sitting back and writing for hours about this past year, I have a party to prepare for. Yes, in this little apartment tonight will be a little party. Nothing too exciting but it's with our dear friends, and I couldn't welcome the new year with better pals.

This morning, I just can't handle reminicing about the past 364 days. They haven't all been bad, but right now, this morning, I just can't muster up the words or have my heart walk through the year quite yet.

But something I CAN do is tell you that I am praying and hoping that this next year, 2012, looks much different. Even if that means that its similar in challenges, I'm jonesing for good things, a positive heart, the courage to open my eyes every morning, but moreso than anything to have a much closer walk with the Lord. I don't say that to seem overly holy and spiritual, but simply that I need more of Him and I want my heart and my life to be more honoring to the way He calls me to live. To have a closer walk with Him in this life.

So with that said, at midnight, I will be welcoming the new year with JOY. That deeply rooted, God-given, ever present no matter how little it feels, joy.

Today I end this post with this sweetness. What better way to start the day with Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt:



Happy New Years Eve everyone!

The best Christmas present. Ever.

Talk about good timing. My sweet nephew came to join us on Christmas Eve and I could not think of a better gift.

My sister chose to do a home birth, which we all know even without experiencing, would be a completely difficult challenge. She was an absolute rockstar momma and I was so thoroughly impressed.

It's been such a joy being able to be around the house the past few days. I haven't actually helped out at all if I'm being honest. Most of my time here has included eating and sleeping and holding a baby...and eating more. But I'm enjoying every minute of being able to be apart of such a special time and such a special baby!!!

Movies. Babies. Purpose.

There is a lot going on among our family this Christmas season. Our Christmas celebrations are looking quite different than they usually do. My second oldest sister will soon have her first sweet baby. And since he is officially one week overdue, our attention is very much set on him.

My bag has been packed for almost a week now. One would think a baby would come right on time, but as we all know, God's timing, while perfect and complete, is usually not the way we would plan. I've been thinking so much about this sweet baby. And although I haven't yet seen his face, and although I am not his mother, he already has my whole heart. I cannot seem to get him out of my mind, especially considering the fact that as soon as he decides to come, I'm heading three and a half hours south of here!

I watched It's a Wonderful Life the other day for the first time with my roommate as we made coffee and a Christmas wreath for our little apartment door. While I know it is almost unbelieveable that I have lived 24 years without seeing that movie, it was such special timing to see it precisely when I did.

I know this is a strange thought coupled with a strange comparison, but there's such a oneness with my nephew and this movie....

See, in the film, George Bailey came to a point in his life when he thought he was useless and insignificant because of who he was. Well God moved in such a way as to show him his significance and importance of living his life with the purpose God gave to him by revealing the way he impacts an innumerable amount of other people's lives.

In the same way, although this little man has yet to grace us with his presence, he is already impacting many people's lives. At the same time, I also know with full confidence that God has him on this earth with a significance and a purpose. He is already loved so deeply and is wanted and cared for by so many people. And notice, that just because he hasn't physically come out of his mother's womb, he is already here on this earth. All that separates us from him is someone's body. Which therefore means he is already created with a purpose for his life on this earth. I could go further to other points with that but I won't tonight.

Another thought is that the exact time in which a person comes into this earth, has to also directly impact the way life happens. So I take this "being overdue" not as a completely horrendous thing, but that God's exact time that he wants my nephew to come is absolutely not when the doctors said would be time, but just right. My sister has one of the best perspectives about this and is being SO patient, even though she might tell you otherwise.

So with that thought, I am ready to meet this new man/baby in my life. Ready to hold him and yes, change any diapers because I love him that much. And as I told my sister, "He will come out. That is an absolute. You can bank on that one."

Now it's all a matter of time...

Video Update...Finally

Hellooo! It feels like I've been gone almost four months...because I have. 

I decided to put together a poorly made video update for you. It's a WHOPPING 20 minutes long. Bare with me. I wanted to share a number of different thoughts and share my heart in it as well. So if you decide to graciously watch the entire thing, God bless you. If not, I won't be offended, you'll just miss out on getting to know me a little better.

Here are my previous posts that really explain in detail what I'm discussing in the video. I realized that my explanation is a bit vague after now watching it, so reading these posts first might be helpful, if you'd like. 

The last two are the most recent:

9-24-10 - Not held together by glue

9-27-10 - Control

4-8-11 - A big but

7-29-11 - Not by sight: Part One

8-5-11 -  Not by sight: Part Two

Now here is the latest update via video. Sit back, turn off my (possibly obnoxious) music, grab some coffee, and pardon my figity hands:

If you have any questions or suggestions (I don't know of what kind, maybe ones of how to not make unecessarily long videos), feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me. 
Love ya.

model-esque

We just celebrated my oldest nieces' birthday a few days ago, SHE'S FOUR! I can hardly believe it. She acts like she's 15 sometimes but I still can't believe it.

This is a small sized collage, but a personal favorite. This was the day they took me to their new house that's being built, to show me around.

I asked them to strike a pose and say 'fabulous'. They haven't experienced people asking them to pose very much in life yet so this is what they came up with - Hands on hips, lean forward, be a scary animal/dinosaur. Perfect. Just what I wanted.

Little Miss on the right will be THREE in September. I don't even want to talk about it.

not by sight - part two

When I was figuring out just what to title this post, my best friend meredith suggested what is now the title. Right then, I remembered an entry from my journal, which are sparse and small in number. My ability to remember to journal is definitely lacking. But this journal entry is of personal importance and so special. Going back to read it, I was shockingly reminded of how much God is in control of my life, of my hurts, and of the things I am unaware.

I'd like to share this journal entry with you, as I think it would give a little more insight into the heart of the previous post below. If you haven't read it, you should. It will make a lot sense to this part two. You can't watch the second Back to the Future movie before watching the first. Maybe you can, but that's besides the point. This is a complete excerpt so remember, there are no rules in journaling, at least none that I'm aware of. And I may or may not go back and forth in prayer and simply writing:

January 6, 2011

{The long day of orientation for seminary. This was just a few weeks after my surgery, and I was not doing well. I couldn't even look at people straight, so the day was exciting but very, very...very difficult.}

'we live by faith, not by sight'

II Corinthians 5:5

I am completely rendered speechless Lord. What a mighty, loving God you are. But should I even be surprised? Probably not. Frankly I was living in anticipation. Lord you reaffirmed me over and over again just today. At orientation, in the first meeting, you reminded me that they 'live by faith, and not by sight'. And I as well. Not only that, but I don't have the sight I need to be able to do this (to go to seminary) right now. BUT you hold on to me. Me. And You give me enough reason and opportunity to live by faith. Praise be to You! And You are literally healing me right now during all of this. My heart is overflowing. Lord, you have shown yourself, affirmed my heart, and provided all in one day and I almost cannot breath because of it all. I know and am confident that you have me exactly where you want me in life. I know that you have me going to DTS for a reason. And a purpose.

Because of all of the things that happened in this last year, all of the decisions and steps of obedience, because of those things I was able to see doctors across the country and try and fix something that needed time to be fixed. God you have provided in every large and minute way.

You take my hand and guide my steps. Sometimes, you call me to obedience through sacrifice. Sometimes you call me to obedience through blind faith. Sometimes, literally. Sometimes, I answer and try my best and sometimes I would much rather pull the covers over my head and not hear You. Lord, you are faithful. You are loving. You bring restoration. You are all that satisfies and You are all I need in life. And I should be overly okay with that. Today you provided new friendships. Thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone. Thank you for forcing me to meet new people, for teaching me how to adjust the way I talk to faculty, for sustaining my eyes and headache throughout the day, for providing breakfast and lunch, for laughter, for knocking me to my hands and knees at the end of the day.

Thank you for using what happens to me, to aid in the moving of a stranger's heart towards You. What an incredible blessing to know that something you are struggling through is helping as an exapmle of God's grace and mighty power for someone you don't even know.

If all of this happened and it aided in bringing someone else to know Christ and transform their heart, then it was worth all the pain and hurt and confusion and waiting. That is so hard to say. Thank you God. Thank you for today and all that was apart of it.'

-------------------------------------

God moved that day. He did.

The very first thing explained in the first meeting of that long day was something, word for word, that had been stirring in my heart for those past few weeks as I struggled so so badly with my vision, or lack thereof. They explained that, "One of the most important things about DTS and one of the most important things for us to know before we start there is that they choose to 'live by faith, and not by sight'" They went on to explain the different ways that looks like. It was an incredible way that God shook me to my core as I sat there by myself, reminding me that though I, in every way, cannot and should not be there by my own merit or ability, its where He has led me and to this day, continues to provide and equip me to go there.

Visually, I wasn't at all in the position to be able to go there. I couldn't even look at people. I couldn't drive myself. I couldn't read. But God, by His mighty hand, sustains me, equips me, and strengthens me, everyday so that I can.

There are things in life we don't ask for and certainly do not hope for. Things that break us. Things that penetrate us so deeply and that they bring up fears and can cause us to either be strengthened from them or wither. The interesting part of it all is that in the choice of not withering, I've found that there comes a point where you just can't strengthen yourself anymore. There comes a point, which comes rather quickly, where you realize that you are in need of a greater strength than you can muster. A supernatural strength that comes from a Sovereign God, a heavenly Father, who loves you deeper than those penetrated fears and inabilities. He loves you more than your worst attribute. And your deepest, darkest secret.

He loves you more than life itself.

So those things in life might be huge. But He is bigger. And they might be overwhelming and seem like nothing good can come from them. But I tell you while being in midst of a very huge and crippling thing of life, He uses those things, those worse that the worst things, those no good very bad day kind of things, to shape and transform you. To remind you that you are a feeble and fleeting thing. That life is precious, corrupted, and temporary. And those things are such things that fix our gaze upon Him who created us and the purpose He has for our lives. And that we need Him.

So often I get distracted by how much it hurts and by how limiting this thing in life truly is. But its simply a reminder that I need Him.

I need Him.

We need Him.

not by sight - part one

I need to preface to you that this post will negate all blogging etiquette for sure. I don't feel like I can share life with you and yet leave out one of the biggest parts of it just because of its nature. So feel free to read if you'd like to. It's not pretty and it's not completely joyful. But it's real life. And its very much my life.

Back in December I had my third eye muscle surgery, and it basically ended up being worse afterwords. It's a really complicated explanation. But you can read about it here and here and here, if you'd like. The situation with having a surgery on your eye muscles is that it can easily cause other things to go wrong. About a month after my surgery, I was starting seminary so there were quite a few factors of worry coming towards me....like driving, and reading, and looking at people, etc.

Basically, what happened is that the surgery on my muscles have caused severe double vision whenever I look to the left (which is natural for me), to the right, and any ounce of upward. So really rather impossible. On top of that, everything coming from my left eye is tilted. So driving myself to class (which is about an hour drive to Dallas) has been out of the question, not just for the first few weeks which would be okay, but still has been for the past 7 months. How terribly embarrassing, but true. Reading takes me fifteen times longer than it should. And I'm short, so looking up at most anyone hurts. I usually can't make it through an entire day without having to somehow close my eyes. The only time I'm not experiencing it is when I sleep. And I've about had it. I'm sure I sound ridiculous, but I promise I won't exaggerate. But I'm just going to be extremely honest.

Before you have this kind of surgery they obviously discuss the fact that it can cause other problems that they just don't have much control over, since the muscles are being moved. But going into this I already wasn't able to fathom it being much worse than what had happened after my second surgery.

In February, my mom and I flew back up to Baltimore for my post-op appointment. And I knew exactly what he was going to tell me. That 'there's nothing they can really do to fix it because the only thing is surgery and doing that would probably re-do what they had just fixed and keep the same problems I have now'. Traveling that far for something that is more than expected still doesn't keep back the sense of disappointment and brokenness. I barely made it out of his office before I started tearing up. But thank heavens I pulled it back together for a while. But, a few hours later back at the airport to go home, I felt a surge of emotion welling up in me in the middle of the security line. I thought 'geez loren, hold it together, at least until you get home.' Then the WORST happened. Once I made it past security I completely lost my marbles in my emotions. I've never cried so hard in a public place. I cried so hard that once I calmed down, my eyes were huge puff balls and I'd completely lost all of my mascara. It was frightening for everyone else.

Needless to say it is a difficult reality. And basically, I cannot see. From the moment I wake up, I'm thrown into the reality of what is, everything I see. There's not a moment in a day when I see something clearly without adjusting my head or my body. And knowing that this is just how its going to be is so heartbreaking. It would be one thing if it were like an arm or leg. I could choose to stop using it, give it a rest. But there's no choice in the matter. Its a brokenness that is constantly in use. completely relentless. Your eyes don't stop and its inescapable.

I've never experienced such weariness. And I've never cried so much. Its strange. I just weep, and I don't think I've ever really been moved to such a position. I've gone from crying multiple times a day, to once a day, to every other day. And I don't normally do that but its just so overwhelming, I can't help myself. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired not talking about it. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling disoriented and dizzy. I'm tired of hurting. And constantly seeing my limitations.

The joys of life, however, outweigh the negatives. But in order to see and experience those joys, I have to look at them through brokenness and pain. And that is one thing that will make you cry at the end of the day. or in an airport. I have never been so disheartened.
Sometimes I can't breath, its just too much to handle.

No one on this earth can fix it.

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But then I'm reminded of someone who has no limitations, who breaths life into me, and allows me to wake up everyday with a heart that is still beating and eyes that have sight.

Heavenly Father, you and you alone are the Creator of existence.
You never let my foot slip, and You set my feet on a firm foundation. Nothing is impossible for You and I know it. Even in the hurt and brokenness, You are so worthy of praise.

I know that these things in life just happen. And though most of the time they cannot be explained, I am confident that God has reason, purpose, and control in them.

My hope is found in Him.

Things in life just aren't perfect. But because of Jesus Christ and the salvation that He freely gives, I know that this is not my home. I am given a temporary body that doesn't work the way it should, just like everyone else. But I know that one day, there will be full restoration and no more tears, and He will guide me home. Until then, I know I am given life for a specific purpose, and these things that cause the hardest moments, are absolutely apart of it. I know He is using this in my life for my good and for His glory. Just because I can't see it clearly doesn't mean there isn't any hope. I have eye that see and feet that walk. He sustains me and gives me such endurance. He knows exactly what He is doing and I am trying my best to trust in that.

I have breath, and that is more than a girl can ask for.

Thank you for giving me a moment to be honest and release something that I keep inside so easily...and I'm not done, hence the part 1.

Ree's Iced Coffee

I saw this recipe on The Pioneer Woman. One of my favorite people and I love all of her recipes! The only catch is that I can't cook/I don't try and therefore think that I'm not able to. Either way, I eat alot of pb&j.

Source: thepioneerwoman.com via Loren on Pinterest

But one of her more recent posts feature an iced coffee, which seemed so easy, I just had to try.

Since I'm not a huge fan of peices of ice in coffee (it's just not my thing), I decided to use this magic bullet to make it into a frapp! And oh my word, it was so good.

I loved it. It's perfect for these ridiculously hot summer days, especially here in Texas.

Try it today, it is SUPER easy :)