Friday, January 13, 2012

One Wintery Wednesday Afternoon

For me, I'm starting the year off with a lot of potentials. I want to let everyone who has been so kind to keep me in their prayers and for those who have graciously watched my SUPER long video, that I have decided to have the surgery. I'll be having it on January 18th by the same doctor I was blessed with last year.

As I write this, I'm getting sick to my stomach realizing how much I haven't let myself really think about it. It's coming up rather quickly and I'd like it to slow down...

My heart is pounding...

And somehow I have the reaction to think it's better if I just think about it in little pieces or not at all. For the sake of my heart? For my well-being? No. That's not good. And definitely not helpful in the long run.

This is a serious surgery with very serious potentials. To put it simply, the worst outcome from this would be an inverted eye. Meaning that I would be cross-eyed. Perminently. And it would hurt. And I would only be seeing double. Then they would bring me back up there to have another surgery to fix that if it did happen. I understand that there is just as much of a chance, if not more, that nothing but good things would result. 

But I am human. And I am, frankly, scared out of my mind.

I have no idea what will come of this and the negative possibilites just shake me to my core, becuase I cannot imagine my vision being any worse, yet I know there's the possibility of it and I DO NOT want to know what that looks like.

At this point, there are days when I would find more relief if I could just scratch my eyes out. And sometimes I want to. But I don't. Then I have the thought of "Oh no, if I want to do that now, what am I going to feel if it gets worse. Again." Since I can barely handle my reality, I just can't handle the thought.


One wintery Wednesday afternoon I sat on a bench with my best friend. We overlooked this beautiful view of a lake amidst a hilly neighborhood. We drank our sonic drinks and talked. We talked over all kinds of life things. So much is happening in both of our lives right now, it's unbelievable. 

I've known this gal for over half of my life and have been exceptionally close to her for most of it. She has walked by my side through so many countless difficult moments of life, which is probably what makes us so bonded. God made her the complete opposite of me. And one of the best things about that is she makes me think in a different way than I never would be able to myself. We talked about how I was going to think about this surgery and experience. And I told her about how I hadn't really been letting myself, but praying that my heart would open up to it.

It was one of the best, most gentle, most calm, most needed talks I have had in a very long time. It was like God used my sweet, sweet friend to speak to me in such a gentle manner. She was used in a way that made me search my own heart, gain more of an understanding of my perspective, and reign in all of the one million thoughts I've had. God spoke through her in a way that helped me better understand the way I should trust in Him, and how I should go forward in each little step, no matter how small. He spoke through my sweet friend by reminding me of hope. Hope is something I feel like I loose sight of somedays in the midst of all the visual chaos. More so than anything, she showed me how to truly care for someone else. Because in the midst of an unbelievably painful and long physically ill journey she has been on, she sits with me, in the cold, and loves on me in every possible way. She's always there. What a blessing. But also, what a blessing that afternoon was for God to completely meet me right where I was in life, and speak through someone I care for so deeply.

Although I talk about some very difficult experiences and thoughts that I struggle with during these last few months, I don't want it to seem as though I don't have hope or trust in the Lord. My life and my trust is foundationally set in Him, in my Creator, and nothing will shake that. I know with full confidence that He has control over this life of mine, but in the midst of the darkness, I fall hard to my knees. And I've come to realize that really, there isn't a better place to be.

This post is somehwhat arbitrary in thought and I hope you can bare with me. There is so much going through my mind and I want to be as bold and transparent as possible. I want to leave you with a piece of God's word that's just been sitting with me over the past week:
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, 
for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; 
great is your faithfulness. 

 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; 
therefore I will wait for him.” 

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, 
to the one who seeks him"

- Lamentations 3:23-25

No comments: