Friday, March 30, 2012

New Video Update: Walking by Faith, Not by Sight

Considering my current physical state, I thought it would be best to give an update via a video.

So here it is! Plain, dry, slow, and as per usual, absurdly long.

{Click here to learn the background details on what I'm talking about in the video}

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...We live by faith, and not by sight." 
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:7

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Surgery Today.

Tonight I write an unexpected post. I had my post-op appointment yesterday in Baltimore at Johns-Hopkins and came to the appointment with little expectations. From a long appointment, I've been given the quick opportunity (because of a cancellation) to have another eye muscle surgery tomorrow. Actually seeing as how I'm writing past midnight it would technically be considered today (Thursday).

Allow me to explain what happened:

The movement and abilities of my eyes have changed dramatically each time I've had surgery. And with that comes new difficulties and inabilities. From this most recent surgery, I went from having about 10% single vision to having about 15%, with the rest of it being double vision. I still am unable to drive, look at anything below me, walk very safely, and read, etc. They had slightly improved my upward gaze, while also causing to worsen my downward gaze severely.

I came to this appointment not having much of an expectation for it. My surgeon (Dr. Guyton) is the best in the world in this field and so kind. It takes months to get an appointment with him and sometimes even longer to get a surgery scheduled.  But in scheduling for my three surgeries with him, two of them were scheduled within a week of my appointment because of cancellations that came hours before my appointment.  Other doctors come from around the world to shadow and learn from him. So while four extra people were staring into my eyes and examining them yesterday, my mom and I were separately praying that God would grant Dr. Guyton a great deal of understanding, clarity and wisdom of what to do about this. God provided exactly that.  After much consideration and discussion, Dr. Guyton feels that it is in my best interest to have two separate surgeries because if you do too many procedures to the eye at one time it can affect the blood supply and cause blindness. So in an effort of caution, he will do two surgeries, with a possible third. This first surgery will happen tomorrow (Thursday March 22nd) and the second will happen in 6-8 weeks. So we are now staying here until Saturday and then flying back to Dallas.

While life has been really different this semester (I've taken a leave of absence for this semester from working on my Master's degree at Dallas Theological Seminary), I most certainly wasn't expecting this. And while the option of having surgery so soon took my breath away, I couldn't think of any reason why not to. With anything this life changing, it brings a sense of anxiety or wonder. But I just keep thinking, "Let's just do this". I really have a calmness and a peace in my spirit about it all.  I figured that God knows exactly what He's doing, just like the last 4 surgeries.  No matter what the outcome, my prayer is that His will be done because I know that is the best place I can be, in the center of His will for my life. Thank you so much to everyone who has been so kind to pray over me and what God's doing. I appreciate that more than anything else.

My brain has officially stopped working so I hope this is enough of an update. As soon as I can see well enough, I will post something again for sure. I'm not exactly sure what everything will look like after tomorrow, but I have no reason to worry. I have a God who loves me and is far bigger than any difficult situation.

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure"
-Psalm 16:8-9 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Two month update


I know I say this every time, but I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. I've been really bothered by this tendency because I really wanted to give updates about the surgery, and just blog for the fun of it. Most of the time, I like to blog at night (not sure why), but I've noticed that every day I forget and by the time its time to go to bed, I am completely exhausted and just can't muster the energy to do so.

Another small part of me keeps having the thought that "Well, you don't have anything worth saying so why bother". There's no truth behind that or reason to believe it. It's more than just writing out my thoughts or heart. It's not so that people will read or care about what I have to say, but simply to let out those things that so very much entangle my mind. Also to just do something I enjoy! And if people want to read it and enjoy it, so be it!

It's silly really.

So here's a rough update of the last couple of months. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Not necessarily concerning me, but just throughout life and everyone I'm surrounded by. My surgery went well as they had expected. And the recovery/healing period is always obnoxiously slow. I haven't been able to do much. The first month I did A LOT of sitting. And simultaneously developed more of a backside. Something of which I am currently working on to be rid of :) AND lots of my extended family were able to come into town and it was so special to spend time with all of them.

The second month I kept going back and forth from the parent's house to my apartment, living out of a suitcase and I'm finally getting settled back in, ready to put the suitcase away! While my oldest sister and bro-in-law and nieces and nephew have been gone FAR TOO LONG at Spring training, my other older sister and my new, tiny nephew have been able to come up from Austin for a visit a couple of times. So its been a pure delight to hang with them and look at their faces. My parents have been absolutely, positively unbelievably supportive and are worthy of a post all on their own. There is no denial that I couldn't do this without them. I could, but I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Although having them drive me practically everywhere makes me feel like a middle-schooler all over again, they do so with such willingness. Never once have they made me feel like an inconvenience, of which I know that I am to some natural extent.

Overall, these past two months (two months exactly), have been a journey of learning a lot of life lessons. So many that I won't even go into tonight. God's been showing me a lot I didn't know about myself. And a lot about being in relation with others. And how to be thankful. And more so than anything, to be patient. There's a lot on my mind. And there's a lot I don't understand right now either. But like I said a few months ago, I'm trying to take life one step at a time.

Somehow I'd like to share with you more in depth on how my surgery went and how exactly it has changed and what "It went well" really means.

Tomorrow, in fact, my mom and I will be going back up to Baltimore for my post-op appointment to re-examine everything. I'm not sure what I'm thinking, but I do know that I'm just trusting that God really must have this in His control, and I'm not really concerning myself with much more tonight. Just resting my weariness and my heart at His feet and being reminded tonight by my best friend what it means to really surrender everything to the Lord. And that's exactly and all that I want to do at this point.

I'll be sure to give some type of update in the near future, and more of an update on life in general.

PS- I've got looooads of tutorials bursting at the seams to share soon...