Friday, July 29, 2011

not by sight - part one

I need to preface to you that this post will negate all blogging etiquette for sure. I don't feel like I can share life with you and yet leave out one of the biggest parts of it just because of its nature. So feel free to read if you'd like to. It's not pretty and it's not completely joyful. But it's real life. And its very much my life.

Back in December I had my third eye muscle surgery, and it basically ended up being worse afterwords. It's a really complicated explanation. But you can read about it here and here and here, if you'd like. The situation with having a surgery on your eye muscles is that it can easily cause other things to go wrong. About a month after my surgery, I was starting seminary so there were quite a few factors of worry coming towards driving, and reading, and looking at people, etc.

Basically, what happened is that the surgery on my muscles have caused severe double vision whenever I look to the left (which is natural for me), to the right, and any ounce of upward. So really rather impossible. On top of that, everything coming from my left eye is tilted. So driving myself to class (which is about an hour drive to Dallas) has been out of the question, not just for the first few weeks which would be okay, but still has been for the past 7 months. How terribly embarrassing, but true. Reading takes me fifteen times longer than it should. And I'm short, so looking up at most anyone hurts. I usually can't make it through an entire day without having to somehow close my eyes. The only time I'm not experiencing it is when I sleep. And I've about had it. I'm sure I sound ridiculous, but I promise I won't exaggerate. But I'm just going to be extremely honest.

Before you have this kind of surgery they obviously discuss the fact that it can cause other problems that they just don't have much control over, since the muscles are being moved. But going into this I already wasn't able to fathom it being much worse than what had happened after my second surgery.

In February, my mom and I flew back up to Baltimore for my post-op appointment. And I knew exactly what he was going to tell me. That 'there's nothing they can really do to fix it because the only thing is surgery and doing that would probably re-do what they had just fixed and keep the same problems I have now'. Traveling that far for something that is more than expected still doesn't keep back the sense of disappointment and brokenness. I barely made it out of his office before I started tearing up. But thank heavens I pulled it back together for a while. But, a few hours later back at the airport to go home, I felt a surge of emotion welling up in me in the middle of the security line. I thought 'geez loren, hold it together, at least until you get home.' Then the WORST happened. Once I made it past security I completely lost my marbles in my emotions. I've never cried so hard in a public place. I cried so hard that once I calmed down, my eyes were huge puff balls and I'd completely lost all of my mascara. It was frightening for everyone else.

Needless to say it is a difficult reality. And basically, I cannot see. From the moment I wake up, I'm thrown into the reality of what is, everything I see. There's not a moment in a day when I see something clearly without adjusting my head or my body. And knowing that this is just how its going to be is so heartbreaking. It would be one thing if it were like an arm or leg. I could choose to stop using it, give it a rest. But there's no choice in the matter. Its a brokenness that is constantly in use. completely relentless. Your eyes don't stop and its inescapable.

I've never experienced such weariness. And I've never cried so much. Its strange. I just weep, and I don't think I've ever really been moved to such a position. I've gone from crying multiple times a day, to once a day, to every other day. And I don't normally do that but its just so overwhelming, I can't help myself. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired not talking about it. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling disoriented and dizzy. I'm tired of hurting. And constantly seeing my limitations.

The joys of life, however, outweigh the negatives. But in order to see and experience those joys, I have to look at them through brokenness and pain. And that is one thing that will make you cry at the end of the day. or in an airport. I have never been so disheartened.
Sometimes I can't breath, its just too much to handle.

No one on this earth can fix it.


But then I'm reminded of someone who has no limitations, who breaths life into me, and allows me to wake up everyday with a heart that is still beating and eyes that have sight.

Heavenly Father, you and you alone are the Creator of existence.
You never let my foot slip, and You set my feet on a firm foundation. Nothing is impossible for You and I know it. Even in the hurt and brokenness, You are so worthy of praise.

I know that these things in life just happen. And though most of the time they cannot be explained, I am confident that God has reason, purpose, and control in them.

My hope is found in Him.

Things in life just aren't perfect. But because of Jesus Christ and the salvation that He freely gives, I know that this is not my home. I am given a temporary body that doesn't work the way it should, just like everyone else. But I know that one day, there will be full restoration and no more tears, and He will guide me home. Until then, I know I am given life for a specific purpose, and these things that cause the hardest moments, are absolutely apart of it. I know He is using this in my life for my good and for His glory. Just because I can't see it clearly doesn't mean there isn't any hope. I have eye that see and feet that walk. He sustains me and gives me such endurance. He knows exactly what He is doing and I am trying my best to trust in that.

I have breath, and that is more than a girl can ask for.

Thank you for giving me a moment to be honest and release something that I keep inside so easily...and I'm not done, hence the part 1.


Anonymous said...

I am humbled and honored to be your friend. I know you don't want ANYONE'S pity, but some genuine encouragement. So here is my feeble attempt to let you know how wonderful you really are.

Your strength is so obviously found in Christ- the only other person who walked this earth and saw beautiful life through the constant lense of brokenness. I know you feel like your perspective is now limited, but, honestly, it is the most accurate because you see the reality most try to avoid. The world is not a perfect place, not even close. While so many of us choose to focus only on what is right in front of our noses and fool ourselves into thinking it is all we need, every time you look at the world you see the unavoidable, undeniable, eternal truth: we are all broken and we are all in need of Christ. No matter what today looks like, good or bad, the need for His restoration is always present, and you can never lose sight of that.

Cry when you need to cry. Call for help when u need a hand. Share when your heart feels overwhelmed. But don't lose heart, my dear, because your precious eyes see the Truth that most are, well, blind to.

Lo said...

I am completely floored. I knew exactly whose words these were before you told me. And this is such a blessing to read. I needed to read that so badly. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your heart dear friend.