Saturday, November 3, 2012

Pain & Weakness

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness" 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Tonight, I have no idea what to say. I'm not writing to entertain or to make myself sound good, but to share my life in a very honest way, I guess.

I am a shell of the person I once was and I am withering away. I'm falling through the cracks of a deep pit that seems endless and so far, it is. There is so much pain, I am about to explode. Mostly physical and emotional pain. I've depleted and used up almost every faculty of energy I have left. This torturous and agonizingly painful way of seeing is too much to "get used to". And even though I'm almost past mourning the loss of my vision, I don't know how many new problems and unanswered questions I can take. The incessant, overwhelming pain and weakening of my body is something I just cannot deal with any longer. My joy is gone. I don't smile that much anymore. Every day is a loosing battle and I don't want to fight anymore.

My smiles and laughter are contrived and I put up such a front or facade that I seem like I'm completely fine, which is sometimes okay because that's the only way I can make it through a day and if I'm around people I most certainly can't loose my emotions in the middle of a public place. And in order to continue on with life and to try to do anything I have to force it.  

Something that's even more difficult is watching the heartbreak happening to my parents. They are the most supportive and loving people. They've been fighting for and helping me in every possible way. I don't have to worry about asking them for help and wonder if they're getting tired of it all. No, they have never once, through all of these years, had a poor attitude or shown frustration towards me. They each set an amazing example of what it means to be a great parent and I could not be more grateful for them.

There was a song we sang the other day during church called Restoration. For some reason, singing it this time meant something very different to me than it ever had before. There was a different sense of hope that filled these words. It was a thought like, "Yes I'm mourning, but you will turn it into dancing one day. Yes there's too much weeping, but you will turn it into laughing. Yes there's so much sadness, but you WILL turn it into joy one day." That's the only thing I can count on. Even though I don't have tangible hope, God's grace through Christ is the only real hope. Because one day, whether soon or after my life on earth is complete, I have God's promise that my body will be restored and there will be no more pain.

I want to move forward in my life. Heavens, I'm 24. I want to be able to pursue my passion and be active in the things I love.  I want to be able to walk by myself and to do things without help and without the worry of hurting myself. But more than that I want to be able to look at my sweet baby nieces and nephews without constantly screaming in pain on the inside. Life just isn't fair to anyone. And all the more, we don't deserve it to be fair in the first place.

I don't want to be pitied or felt sorry for. The purpose in this post is to be transparent and honest. I don't want come off as someone who's so strong and really walking through this with a great attitude, and that I'm doing great and "way to go me because I'm awesome". But actually, there's no strength and there's no hope and there is a bad attitude sometimes. This should be a reminder that God is the one who is in control of it all. He is completely sovereign in every aspect of everyone's life, including mine. Even in those really difficult physical things and difficult emotional things, He's carrying me through all of those. I'm actually not in this alone. And thankfully, since He has graciously saved me from death and given me eternal life and a relationship with him through Christ, He's growing and molding me into the woman He intends for me to be. This part of life is very much apart of that growth.

Right now we are praying for God to move, to open doors, help us find answers, to heal, and for His will to be done above all.

You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
to my soul

You've taken my pain
called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
and in it's place, You give me joy

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my weeping and turn it into laughing
You take my mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy

hallelujah, hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new

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