I would say about every 15 minutes of my day, a rush of reality hits me and I can do nothing but shake my head and praise the God who directs my path and opens doors unimaginable.
Get ready. This one is going to be long.
I know I've been saying this over and over the past week but so many good and unbelievable things have happened lately that I can hardly breath. I'm serious. Would you like to hear?!
Sometimes I try not to spill every ounce of my life to you via this blog....I don't know why, I just don't. But I do, however, need to try to be as transparent as possible. Which means that requires me to let you in on life and to be honest about it. So today's is super transparent and will touch on two things that go hand in hand. kind of.
The past several months I have slowly grown through the struggle of having the courage to simply apply to grad school. So often I let fear grab ahold of me and then lose opportunities to live life courageously. In this part of life, fear creeped up slowly almost without me realizing until one day, floating in the middle of a lake, my dear friend Christi gave it to me straight. She told me to quit letting fear control my decisions and that I needed to put forth all my efforts in my applications and just do it. It didn't hurt that she is a recruiter and works in admissions for one of the schools I was applying to.
So a little while after that, okay quite a while after, I finished them. During and before this whole process began, my family kept asking my thoughts on applying to seminary. And to be perfectly honest, my tendency would be to automatically dismiss the idea simply because I knew I there was no way I would be capable to do well in such a place. I absolutely loved the idea of going to seminary, but it was just that to me, an idea. So as I was looking into different schools, making phone calls, and learning more about the programs, one school began to fill my 'schools of interest cup', if you will, not allowing any room for any other school. Interesting how that happens. I can say with complete confidence that the ONLY way I would ever get into graduate school is by the grace and hand of God, not by my self. And boy did He show his might. I got a phone call the day before Thanksgiving and they accepted me. To say that I cried is an understatement. I couldn't breath.
But there's more that's involved with this than one would think. You have to read, a lot. Not that I wasn't expecting that, its a give-in. But I have a small problem with it, I can't really do that (which now makes me sound like I never past a first grade reading level). I can read, of course, but I can only do it for 20, maybe 30 minutes at a time. I sound like a snot, don't I. Gosh. Its hard to explain but my eyes basically read the same line of words on a page at two different positions, one eye sees the line a little bit above the other. Which makes reading really annoying. And that's just one part of life that is frustrating to do. Anyways this past year has been a huge struggle. One that I haven't really expressed outwardly very much. If you'd like to read a fairly detailed explanation of this struggle so that this blog post doesn't have to be a novel, just click here.
I have what's called Duane Syndrome, which is where the nerve endings are not connected to the left muscles in my left eye, which causes me to see double quite often and doesn't allow my left eye to look to the left, which is something I've always had and have learned to be okay with. After a surgery in December, to correct my straight ahead vision, it resulted in some unwanted and limiting effects. Now, I still can't look to the left which was expected, obviously (there's no way to fix that), and I cannot look to the right or down without seeing double. This limits my vision tremendously. Like a lot. This gets really frustrating and painful, to say the least. And unlike other parts of your body, one cannot just stop using one's eyes. So it is constant, except when I'm sleeping, thank goodness.
Okay so maybe I will give you details.
I need to pause and say that this has been such a big part of my life always, and an even bigger part for this past year and I have such a hard time talking about it but I cannot keep it to myself any longer. After having a fantastic and world renowned Ophthalmologist my entire life, he sent me to see two equally wonderful Ophthalmologists (try spelling that one in your head. I googled it), one at Duke and one at John's-Hopkins. I recently got back from my doctors appointment in Baltimore on Thursday and it leaves me in awe. The doctor himself was wonderfully kind and examined my eyes 1500 different ways (don't worry, I bought myself a snickers afterwards). Just the fact that I had the opportunity to see these men is a blessing in itself. He explained what he could do surgically and that he would be doing the surgery himself. He just happens to be the Chief of surgery for the Wilmer eye clinic at Johns-Hopkins and from a family of all Harvard doctors, all TEN of them. I literally don't understand how that is possible, but wow. So then we went up to see Barbara, the lady who schedules his surgeries. After the other lady in training spilled coffee all over the desk, they told me that he happened to had an opening for NEXT WEEK.
It took me five months just to get an appointment with him. five months.
So this is unheard of and completely amazing. My mom and I were in shock, and after picking up our jaws off the floor, we went back to our hotel to think on it. This decision is ultimitely mine to make, obviously I'm an adult and its my eye after all. But after feeling so comfortable with this recent doctor, I decided to go with the surgery for next week. I don't know if you realize how AMAZING this is. I literally will have just enough time to prep for the surgery, fly back, and heal up completely before starting Seminary in January. Talk about God's provision and utterly perfect timing. Like my mother said earlier today, 'talk about your cup running over...ours is running off the table and out the front door'.
Have you figured out how the two of these subjects meet together?!
This gives me the opportunity to fix my eyes a little bit better so that I can also hopefully read! I am sinful inside and out on a daily basis, and the fact that the God of this universe wants to care for my teeny tiny life in such a way is mind boggling. It makes me loose my breath. And ifanyone cannot see the way in which God is ever present in my time of need and faithful beyond anything I could ever imagine, is clearly choosing to be blind to it. He loves us so much and cares for us so deeply. Of course, sometimes its hard for us feeble beings to really see that in our lives, but then again we can only see passed the end of our nose. And like I said before, I'm pretty sure God can see the entire plan. The plan HE created to work in perfect harmony and for our good (Jeremiah 29:11).
I honestly don't think that God would provide a way for me to pursue such a thing as a master's without providing ways to even the seemingly impossible. I know that God will equip me fully to be able to pursue this next part of my life. And you know what, even if I couldn't have the surgery until later or at all, I am completely confident that God would make a way for me to read. Even if it was a ridiculous amount. I know He would. Gosh, I wish I could express the desperation of my voice as I type this because I feel this barely expresses my heart. But thank you Jesus for italics and CAPS.
God has opened up so many doors, even in just these past seven days. Now you know why every 15 minutes I have to take a deep breath because I'm overwhelmed with joy and shock.
Let me reiterate, even if I couldn't have the surgery until later or at all, I am completely confident that God would make a way for me to read. I know He would.
Just like it says in the song that played when you first got here:
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you.
You make all things new.
He most certainly makes all things new. He makes me new. He gives me feet to stand firmly on and eyes to see. And I am so thankful for that. So, like I said the other day, with a trusting and hopeful heart, I think I'll be okay.
I received an email earlier today from a sweet woman, dear to my heart, and she encouraged me with this verse and it has stuck with me tonight:
Isaiah 55:12 (The Message)
So you'll go out in joy, you'll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause.
All glory, honor, power is HIS.
