Monday, November 29, 2010

with a trusting heart

My, oh my.

Where do I even begin. Let me just state that so much has happened or come about in the past two weeks that it renders me speechless. Truly I'm telling you, I am in awe of the way God moves in this tiny life of mine. As I sit here in my hotel bed, in dark silence, I get indigestion just thinking about everything. Let's go back a few days.

Actually I changed my mind. Let's go back about 8 months.

My world got rocked in the strangest of ways. Not only did the plans for my life completely get destroyed and shift (as they almost always do), a solid and good relationship was sacrificed out of an obedience to the Lord. I don't want to overspiritualize anything I'm saying, but I only want to explain the motivations of my heart. as honestly as possible. I cannot explain the number of questions I've searched through these past months just over that one decision. Even right now, eight months later, I am given only one solid and confident answer. That although it didn't make much sense to those around me, and wasn't the easiest move to make, I am confident that it was what God was laying on my heart to do at that very moment.

Did it take a while for me to listen and follow through? Yes, just a little. Was it extremely heart aching to end a relationship that was inches away from an engagement, with a friend you cared so deeply for and knew cared just as deeply, if not much more for you? Absolutely. But what came immediately, and I mean immediately after? A peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I would be lying if I said that I still don't struggle with the heart ache of that relationship. I lost a friendship. We had both invested such so much of our hearts into it, so of course it hurts. But even through such things, especially through such things, I know God uses it for good.


Fast forward to this past Thanksgiving weekend. We had just finished dinner (or supper as it is known to others) and we were all laughing and telling stories about the things we remember experiencing as a family, of which were few and far between. Then Grandmother turns the subject on a more serious note, one of going around the table and explaining what were were thankful for. Some were still enjoying the laughter as they shared. Then I noticed it was raining (rain makes everything a little better).

My dad's aunt had her turn to share, but it was difficult for her to begin. She has had more difficult experiences than I know about, especially this past year. I cannot remember all the details of what she said, but I sat there, completely caught up in her every word. She was so genuine and so serious. She was saying that she was so thankful for those hard experiences, in hopes that it would come to be used to help someone else someday (which it has). She said that she would never take back those moments because it has made her who she is and where she is today. She was so thankful. It honestly blew my mind. I think it did because I could see her honesty through the outpouring of her heart. That was possibly one of the best moments of my Thanksgiving.


Which brings me to right now. So much that I never ever thought would happen, has happened this year. Good and bad. I never saw myself without the person I am now without. I never saw myself really getting into graduate school. I never thought I would actually pursue starting a small, side business OR have the opportunity to do so. I never thought that I would have to blog in baltimore. But crazy things happen. And I am constantly reminded that God has even the crazy in His control.

I can try my hardest to plan my life out according to the way I would prefer. But if I'm not going in the direction God is leading me, yielding to my own idea of what's best, then I am completely missing out on what God has created me for. In Jeremiah 29:11 He says, 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'. He goes on to say that, 'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart'. What in the world am I doing trying to figure out my own life?! Its not about me. This life is so temporary and short. I need to be seeking after Him and what he calls me to be doing. He knows the plans he has for me, so that is nothing to worry or fret about.

I'm pretty sure that while I can only see what's right in front of my nose, God has hold of the entire universe and sustenance of existence. So with a trusting heart, I think I'll be okay.

p.s. If you are currently questioning my grammar, go right ahead. I am well aware of how utterly incorrect I am. Please feel free to correct me because, let's be honest, I need it. :)

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