Sunday, April 15, 2012

Perfectly Imperfect

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have a lot of time to think, so my mind runs rampant. I could sit and list off 100+ daily things or activities that I cannot do. I could tell you how much and often it makes me cry and how often I have to tell someone "no" when they invite me to something. I could tell you all about what the inside of my heart feels when my body tells me "you're done" and what happens when I ignore that warning.

Over the past 3 years and 5 surgeries later, I could also tell you the way these surgeries effect the depth of my heart and my sense of self-worth.

Life is different for the time being and it has been for a while. While not being able to do the things of life I'm used to and replacing those with limitations, it has hurt the very deep places of my heart. One day, I decided to look up the definition of limitation and found this:

When I had seen this, which was a couple months ago, it represented the state I was in exactly. And while those limitations overshadow and become more intrusive, I have one thing that is steadfast and remains true no matter what I am experiencing:

The fact that I am a daughter of the King. Of the one, true God. The God who created me, knew me, knit me together before I was ever shown to anyone else (Psalm 139:13). And the way He made me, even in the so-called imperfections, are perfectly imperfect. And I can say with full and complete honesty, even with tears burning in my eyes, and in the midst of the most profoundly difficult place of life I have ever been, that I wouldn't want my body any other way because I KNOW that God has me in His hands and made and allowed my body to be this way for a very specific (and completely not understood) reason.

God places us on this earth and gives us life because He has a very specific purpose for our lives. Each one of us are here for very different reasons and each one of us are loved by God in a way we will never be able to fathom or fully grasp. I am so thankful for that simple truth that is the basis for life and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Knowing the state of my heart and life, I absolutely would not know how I would be able to deal with this without knowing Christ as my Lord and Savior. I wouldn't.

I'm trying my best this time around to keep in mind these things:
 - to not always be a hero
 - to ask when I need help
 - to know my limitations and live accordingly
 - to keep goals and do things that bring joy
 - to hold tightly to that everlasting joy that only God can provide and that never truly goes away
 - keeping in mind that this is only for a time because healing is in His hands, not mine.
 - to always be grateful for the people He places in my life and who love me so much.

On a side note, I typed this post almost completely with my eyes closed. Finally, my keyboarding class from high school has finally come in handy!


Mom said...

My precious Loren,
You are such a special blessing and witness to me!
You have learned by His grace what most people live a lifetime and never experience. You know that God's grace is enough to help us bear life's burdens and limitations. God has and will provide for you in a way that you could not have foreseen before. Remember, a contented mind is an invaluable blessing! Thanks so much for sharing your heart!
Philippians 4:11
I love you so much and am so very proud of you!

Haley White said...

Love you so much sweet cousin! You are such a beautiful example! Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Again, THANK YOU , my sweet little sister, fir sharing your heart. The wisdom you have is profound and Christ IN you is so apparent! I can't tell you how proud I am of you and how your redeemed heart stirs worship in me for our Mighty Healer! The way you are so open and honest really shows this world what it is to hold so tightly to the cross and his promises! Keep speaking these truths lo. I love you!!