Thursday, July 29, 2010

so faithful. so constant.

I've been thinking a lot about where I am in life. what I'm doing. where everything is going. well that is something I simply cannot give a definitive answer to. I've just graduated from college. applying to graduate school. looking for a good job. getting certain things taken care of while putting all of it in the Lord's hands at the same time. its one thing to say that you're putting your trust in the Lord, and another thing to actually trust Him.

relationship-wise, to trust Him.
health-wise, to trust Him.
directional-wise, to trust Him.
heart-wise, to trust Him.
obedience-wise, to trust Him.
life-wise, to trust Him.
acceptance to grad school-wise, to trust Him.
healing-wise, to really trust Him.
knowing that He knows the plans He has for me & that I most certainly do not-wise, to really trust Him.

I feel as though somewhere in there, fear creeps up and consumes my whole being. and for some reason I cannot get away from it. it makes its way into every aspect of my life. because that is where i feel like i am at. the place of life where I don't know if I will be married or forever be single (to which I would be perfectly fine with either way). the place of life where I don't know where my life will go one way or the other, anything is possible. the place of life where I need to know whether or not God will repair, or allow me to appreciate the fact that I am healthy one way or another. the place of life where every aspect of life is in the process of being answered, but not quite yet. I can see God working, making ways, mending my heart, preparing. I can see it, but it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I feel like that is just how He works best, at least in respect to my own life.

I need to remember that God does not work around my timing. He is the Maker of creation. I should be able to be okay with the way He works. And when the time comes where I can look back to this part of life and see just how He was making the way so perfectly, I will praise Him. As of now where things need to be mended, where answers would be appreciated, where things need healing, while I wait, I will praise Him. Because I am His child. I am His creation. and He cares for me.

If I didn't have an intimate relationship with the Lord right now, as some don't, I would have no IDEA what I would do with myself, where I would be at. I just used all capitals (of which that usually never happens) so you know that I am serious. So thank you Lord for protecting me, for leading me to make decisions, and being my Father, my Redeemer, my Healer. Gosh I know you hear me. I know that you are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness. You remind me who you are.

As I type I'm listening to one song over and over again. Feel free to click here to listen.

I would also like to apologize for the repetitive and random type of writing tonight, its just me typing out my thoughts as they are.

you just chose to read the whole thing, that was your decision. I hope it made sense.


Haley said...

thank you sweet cousin for being so transparent. I absolutely love reading your blog. It is so nice to know that other people are struggling with the same things but that our Father really is for us and knows far better than we do. thank you for allowing God to speak through you. I love you and am praying for you in this season and always.

Anonymous said...

Faith does not come easily for us, but the more you work at it, the easier it will be. It's hard for us to not look for the big picture, but if you just take that first step, and then after that, that the next "first step"... Without knowing where each step is going to lead can be scary, but let's call it an ADVENTURE! :)

Please know that Uncle Fred and I are always praying for all my girls (6 + 2 minis) and the rest of our family (and ourselves) to grow spiritually every day - every day closer to Jesus and Father God, every day listening for the Holy Spirit to prompt us, or stop us - keeping us on the right path.

You and Haleybesswhiiiiiiiiite are seeking - that is the most important thing (Matthew 6:33)- seeking what God has to show you. And He will... in His timing (sigh), but we know that His is perfect.

Love all my girls!

aunt pammy

Anonymous said...

ughhhhh...THAT song. So true and raw on so many levels. My heart is weighty for you, my sweet sister. It is my prayer that you will find rest and peace that YOU are His child and he works all things for the good of those who love Him. You just wait Lo, you will look back and be like " Ah ha, that was what you were doing Lord!!" I love you so much and His plan for you is so wonderfully FULL and I know you know this, but walk in that fullness today and hold fast to His perfect promises.

Patricia said...

I love you - and I love Mel's comment - she knows for goodness sake! Hang in there ... look for God's greater plan.