When I was figuring out just what to title this post, my best friend
meredith suggested what is now the title. Right then, I remembered an entry from my journal, which are sparse and small in number. My ability to remember to journal is definitely lacking. But this journal entry is of personal importance and so special. Going back to read it, I was shockingly reminded of how much God is in control of my life, of my hurts, and of the things I am unaware.
I'd like to share this journal entry with you, as I think it would give a little more insight into the heart of
the previous post below. If you haven't read it, you should. It will make a lot sense to this part two. You can't watch the second
Back to the Future movie
before watching the first. Maybe you can, but that's besides the point.
This is a complete excerpt so remember, there are no rules in journaling, at least none that I'm aware of. And I may or may not go back and forth in prayer and simply writing:
January 6, 2011
{The long day of orientation for seminary. This was just a few weeks after my surgery, and I was not doing well. I couldn't even look at people straight, so the day was exciting but very, very...very difficult.}
'we live by faith, not by sight'
II Corinthians 5:5
I am completely rendered speechless Lord. What a mighty, loving God you are. But should I even be surprised? Probably not. Frankly I was living in anticipation. Lord you reaffirmed me over and over again just today. At orientation, in the first meeting, you reminded me that they 'live by faith, and not by sight'. And I as well. Not only that, but I don't have the sight I need to be able to do this (to go to seminary) right now. BUT you hold on to me. Me. And You give me enough reason and opportunity to live by faith. Praise be to You! And You are literally healing me right now during all of this. My heart is overflowing. Lord, you have shown yourself, affirmed my heart, and provided all in one day and I almost cannot breath because of it all. I know and am confident that you have me exactly where you want me in life. I know that you have me going to DTS for a reason. And a purpose.
Because of all of the things that happened in this last year, all of the decisions and steps of obedience, because of those things I was able to see doctors across the country and try and fix something that needed time to be fixed. God you have provided in every large and minute way.
You take my hand and guide my steps. Sometimes, you call me to obedience through sacrifice. Sometimes you call me to obedience through blind faith. Sometimes, literally. Sometimes, I answer and try my best and sometimes I would much rather pull the covers over my head and not hear You. Lord, you are faithful. You are loving. You bring restoration. You are all that satisfies and You are all I need in life. And I should be overly okay with that. Today you provided new friendships. Thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone. Thank you for forcing me to meet new people, for teaching me how to adjust the way I talk to faculty, for sustaining my eyes and headache throughout the day, for providing breakfast and lunch, for laughter, for knocking me to my hands and knees at the end of the day.
Thank you for using what happens to me, to aid in the moving of a stranger's heart towards You. What an incredible blessing to know that something you are struggling through is helping as an exapmle of God's grace and mighty power for someone you don't even know.
If all of this happened and it aided in bringing someone else to know Christ and transform their heart, then it was worth all the pain and hurt and confusion and waiting. That is so hard to say. Thank you God. Thank you for today and all that was apart of it.'
-------------------------------------
God moved that day. He did.
The very first thing explained in the first meeting of that long day was something, word for word, that had been stirring in my heart for those past few weeks as I struggled so so badly with my vision, or lack thereof. They explained that, "One of the most important things about DTS and one of the most important things for us to know before we start there is that they choose to 'live by faith, and not by sight'" They went on to explain the different ways that looks like. It was an incredible way that God shook me to my core as I sat there by myself, reminding me that though I, in every way, cannot and should not be there by my own merit or ability, its where He has led me and to this day, continues to provide and equip me to go there.
Visually, I wasn't at all in the position to be able to go there. I couldn't even look at people. I couldn't drive myself. I couldn't read. But God, by His mighty hand, sustains me, equips me, and strengthens me, everyday so that I can.
There are things in life we don't ask for and certainly do not hope for. Things that break us. Things that penetrate us so deeply and that they bring up fears and can cause us to either be strengthened from them or wither. The interesting part of it all is that in the choice of not withering, I've found that there comes a point where you just can't strengthen yourself anymore. There comes a point, which comes rather quickly, where you realize that you are in need of a greater strength than you can muster. A supernatural strength that comes from a Sovereign God, a heavenly Father, who loves you deeper than those penetrated fears and inabilities. He loves you more than your worst attribute. And your deepest, darkest secret.
He loves you more than life itself.
So those things in life might be huge. But He is bigger. And they might be overwhelming and seem like nothing good can come from them. But I tell you while being in midst of a very huge and crippling thing of life, He uses those things, those worse that the worst things, those no good very bad day kind of things, to shape and transform you. To remind you that you are a feeble and fleeting thing. That life is precious, corrupted, and temporary. And those things are such things that fix our gaze upon Him who created us and the purpose He has for our lives. And that we need Him.
So often I get distracted by how much it hurts and by how limiting this thing in life truly is. But its simply a reminder that I need Him.
I need Him.
We need Him.
